[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
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Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
yea so i messed up lol
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers