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I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I miss having a cat. I used to refer to him as my roommate because it always made me laugh seeing peoples faces when I’d tell them my roommate pooped on the kitchen counter or my roommate keeps giving me dead birds.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
8: “Mommy I love you and my iPad so much.”
Same sentence. Same breath.