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My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Day 2 of my diet
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
That de-escalated quickly
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
File under excellent bookstore names.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.