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Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth– the groceries in the back of my car
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME: