On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
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If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno