Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️