On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
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I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
