Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]