Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

Not today

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

These aliens are taking forever.

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

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