Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

Me: Just one more hit. I need it.

Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.

Me: *hits snooze button*

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.