On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
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Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.