On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
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In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.