On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
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stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’