Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

I get distracted pretty eas

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT

The cat has already been fed.

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

Cheer up.

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick