Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.