ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
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#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]