*on the karaoke mic*

“I normally don’t sing outside the shower so I hope you guys don’t mind if I do this naked”

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i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities


Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.


Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job


Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.


all i wanna do is


find the safety on this gun


When I was a kid I got in trouble for playing with Grandma Bella in the sandbox. Can’t play with dead bodies apparently.


[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]


“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“No, he’s a labrador.”


I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.