*on the karaoke mic*

“I normally don’t sing outside the shower so I hope you guys don’t mind if I do this naked”

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My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.


You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.


I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.


Lemons are ok but in some other dimension when life hands us tambourines we make dragon nests and it’s kind of hard not to be bitter about that


I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.


I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.


Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.


*scrawls note on deserted isle*
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*


Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl


Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”