@Mr_Kapowski

*on the karaoke mic*

“I normally don’t sing outside the shower so I hope you guys don’t mind if I do this naked”

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@blood_orphan

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

@SondraDeeMe

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

@Gooooats

“I’m a feminist,” he said wanttogetintoyourpantsingly.

@TheRealRHB

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

@_SingleBabyMama

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

@bobvulfov

LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit

@chuuew

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

@SamuelMoen

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

@amydillon

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

@215potter

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?