My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.
*on the karaoke mic*
“I normally don’t sing outside the shower so I hope you guys don’t mind if I do this naked”
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You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Lemons are ok but in some other dimension when life hands us tambourines we make dragon nests and it’s kind of hard not to be bitter about that
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “Is it serious?”