[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
*on the karaoke mic*
“I normally don’t sing outside the shower so I hope you guys don’t mind if I do this naked”
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My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
“I’m a feminist,” he said wanttogetintoyourpantsingly.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?