Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”