On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
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I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Bond. Trauma bond.