On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
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I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.