On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
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Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
They should make a moral fiber supplement
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man