Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.

My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day

Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.