Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.

A male goth is called a broth.

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

Icarus loved hot wings.

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

How do horror writers compete with current events?

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it