On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes![]()
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How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
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The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
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Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
There’s only one good girl here!
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict