On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
You Might Also Like
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.