On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
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*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
6: are snakes just neck?
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.