Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

there has never been a better use of this meme

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa