Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

Husband: *choking on a Dorito*

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.