On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
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It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Somedays I just love AI so much
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
sistine chapel