Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then