Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Dudes named Chance never had one.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.