On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
You Might Also Like
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…