On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
You Might Also Like
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Did I do this right
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.