On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
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What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now