Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

Good morning.

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares