On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
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I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
*looks at you in batman voice*
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder