On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
yea so i messed up lol
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Ooh I do like a good funnel
