On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,
Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”
When what on my new hat did appear,
But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!
The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,
I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
