On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,
Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”
When what on my new hat did appear,
But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!
The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,
I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Life hack
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
