On the occasion of your daughter’s christening, please accept my congratulations and this large jar of pickled eggs.
You Might Also Like
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Probably my best painting.
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
