On the occasion of your daughter’s christening, please accept my congratulations and this large jar of pickled eggs.
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*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
craving $300 all of a sudden
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
{family style dinner}
Cannibal: More Kevins please
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
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