Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
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When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.