On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
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This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
i can’t wait that long
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined