Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great