Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

How is it still this week?

Said the murderer.

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

ATMs should have breathalyzers

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

ouch

technique

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

🛁

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.

Wolves should really raise more people.

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

How to be a politician 101:

Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.