Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

#Caturday

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying