On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
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I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Pretty much! 😂👀
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it