On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
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I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
No one can handle that
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop