[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
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Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.