Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water

Good morning.

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

I believe the plural is “milves.”

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

Brb my Sims are getting married

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.