[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
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4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
These are too funny not to post 😂
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
