Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

3% human
97% stress

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?