Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.