[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
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Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
#parenting
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.