[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
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Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Can confirm.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*