[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
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Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.