Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

👀

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??