Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.

She said yes.

Part ways through the first episode she asks:

“I wonder when we meet Evan.”

I asked, who?

She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

🙀🙀🙀😹