[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
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Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
S M O L
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
life finds a way
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined