On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
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[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant