Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thursday

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

I need to sieze this.

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

…..pretty much.

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.