Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit