[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
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Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Dolls on drugs
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly