[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
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I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.