Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is a bad sign

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.

ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again