[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
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[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
584.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
as the prophecy foretold
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.