Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
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ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
My birthstone is a marshmallow
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that