Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

Snack for election night!

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.