Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair