[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

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I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.


I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.


COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-


A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.


[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]


you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*


My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.


[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy


Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.


dating a skinny guy cool until u lock him out the room and he slide under da door.