Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman