On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
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The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history