Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?