Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.