Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

Give a baker flours on your first date.

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

W

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer