Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist